We know. We know. In the U.S., Halloween (chocolate!) and Thanksgiving (mashed potatoes!) preface winter holidays (cookies, pies, and cakes!) culminating in a liquor-soaked, buckets-full-of-popcorn, calorie non-counting extravaganza that we vow to turn around in the new year. Perhaps our self-defense message will reach more girls and women if it’s a new diet & exercise fad! Here you go.*

*This plan is not endorsed by any medical, fitness, or nutrition authorities.

Jane’s Self-Defense Diet and Fitness Plan for 2016

Diet:  The holidays are the time to indulge, but that doesn’t mean depriving yourself as of January 1.  Eat healthy, but happy!  Lots of protein, fruits, and vegetables, but carbs and treats in moderation are fine, too.  The body type of 2016 is strong and powerful, not weak and emaciated.  Ditch the diets – they don’t work, and they make us cranky.  Instead…

Focus on Fitness, with Jane’s Seven-Day Plan!

Day 1.  Firm your legs practicing round-house and ax kicks.

Day 2.  Tone your waistline and butt by doing stairs, two at a time, which is the EXACT motion for a highly effective knee-to-the-groin.

Day 3. Get those great ripped looking arms by practicing your elbow throws, eye jabs, and heel palms strikes.

Day 4. Get heart-healthy by fast-walking or running after stomping on an object. Shouting “NO!” and “911!” after you get to your destination improves lung capacity.

Day 5. Work those hips with arches!  Lie on your back, plant your heels, and thrust upward, fast and furious, first to one side, then the other. Improve flexibility and practice tossing off an attacker at the same time!

Day 6. Mindfulness – everyone’s doing it, and Jane is too!  Awareness is key – notice what’s around you, and practice focusing your attention – what are your instincts telling you?  Where is safety?  No judgment – notice, and go with your gut.

Day 7.  This is a day of rest and reflection. Think about and be thankful for what a bad-ass you’re becoming.  Oh yes, this is going to impact many aspects of your life. Claim it, baby.

Forget those fashion trends known as off-duty model, glamorous lounging, or heroine chic.  They only exploit women’s insecurities.  Now empowerment chic is in. Given how “femvertising” has taken off, we’re surprised that no one has thought of a fashion line in accordance. Geez, do we have to do everything around here?!

We present you with 10 trends and ways to wear them. We have also taken the liberty of selecting our ideal celebs likely to adopt each look. You can click the links or the pictures to see the look more clearly on a new page.

1. Weekend Warrior (Man Repeller fashion blogger Leandra Medine)
2. Go-Forth Granny (designer/model Iris Apfel)
3. Suffragette Sleek (teen fashion blogger Justine Crawford
4. Gonna Git You Sucka Casual (singer Tina Turner)
5. Empowerment-is-the-New-Black (activist/author Gloria Steinem)
6. Off-Duty Cop (comedian Whoopi Goldberg)
7. Slut Walking Slick (comedian Amy Schumer)
8. Sobriety Chic (not a waif? not on drugs? this might be the look for you!) (producer/actor Lena Dunham)
9. Third-Wave Trendsetter (Instagram fashion guru Eva Chen)
10. Underwear-as-Outwear-as-Fuckyouwear (singer Lady Gaga)

After all, what is fashion (or blogging) without a faith in the improbable?

1. Check our breasts for suspicious lumps
2. Wear seat belts in automobiles
3. Avoid swimming in shark-infested waters
4. Wear a heart monitor
5. Get our teeth cleaned
6. Have our cholesterol checked
7. Take vitamins
8. Get a pap smear
9. Install anti-virus programs on our computer
10. Lock our doors
11. Install an alarm system
12. Put safety lights on our bicycle
13. Wear a fluorescent vest while jogging at night
14. Drive with our headlights on
15. Carry an umbrella
16. Wear a winter coat
17. Wash hands to avoid getting the flu
18. When we see a raccoon in our garage awake in the middle of the day, with mouth foaming, do not pet it; instead call a neighbor who grew up in the country to come over and “take care of it”
19. Tell our mother-in-law that we would love to spend the holiday at her cabin just to save ourself an argument
20. Use birth control to prevent pregnancy

Dear See Jane Fight Back:

I object to your list of 20 ways women participate in victim blaming because some of those things are useful things any reasonable and responsible person—male or female—should do. For instance, many of us take vitamins and get our teeth cleaned. We also feel perfectly entitled to blame people who eat chili cheese fries whilst forgetting to take their Lipitor^®.

However, I can agree to items 3, 9 10, and 11 on the grounds that those things involve other people whose behavior should be better controlled by their parents, the government, or the criminal justice system. Let’s arrest people who throw chum in the water when fishing off ocean piers. Let’s prevent burglaries so locking doors and home alarm systems aren’t necessary. Let’s show hackers that we shouldn’t have to protect our files and our hard drives from their malicious plans. We have a right to swim wear we want, compute how we want, and live without fear of burglary. In fact, I’m going to leave my unprotected computer in my unlocked house right now while I go jump off the fishing pier for a swim. In the dark. And I’ve just had a huge plate of chili cheese fries (and my Lipotor^®)!  Now this is true empowerment.

Yours,

Etc.