We know. We know. In the U.S., Halloween (chocolate!) and Thanksgiving (mashed potatoes!) preface winter holidays (cookies, pies, and cakes!) culminating in a liquor-soaked, buckets-full-of-popcorn, calorie non-counting extravaganza that we vow to turn around in the new year. Perhaps our self-defense message will reach more girls and women if it’s a new diet & exercise fad! Here you go.*
*This plan is not endorsed by any medical, fitness, or nutrition authorities.
Jane’s Self-Defense Diet and Fitness Plan for 2016
Diet: The holidays are the time to indulge, but that doesn’t mean depriving yourself as of January 1. Eat healthy, but happy! Lots of protein, fruits, and vegetables, but carbs and treats in moderation are fine, too. The body type of 2016 is strong and powerful, not weak and emaciated. Ditch the diets – they don’t work, and they make us cranky. Instead…
Focus on Fitness, with Jane’s Seven-Day Plan!
Day 1. Firm your legs practicing round-house and ax kicks.
Day 2. Tone your waistline and butt by doing stairs, two at a time, which is the EXACT motion for a highly effective knee-to-the-groin.
Day 3. Get those great ripped looking arms by practicing your elbow throws, eye jabs, and heel palms strikes.
Day 4. Get heart-healthy by fast-walking or running after stomping on an object. Shouting “NO!” and “911!” after you get to your destination improves lung capacity.
Day 5. Work those hips with arches! Lie on your back, plant your heels, and thrust upward, fast and furious, first to one side, then the other. Improve flexibility and practice tossing off an attacker at the same time!
Day 6. Mindfulness – everyone’s doing it, and Jane is too! Awareness is key – notice what’s around you, and practice focusing your attention – what are your instincts telling you? Where is safety? No judgment – notice, and go with your gut.
Day 7. This is a day of rest and reflection. Think about and be thankful for what a bad-ass you’re becoming. Oh yes, this is going to impact many aspects of your life. Claim it, baby.
Forget those fashion trends known as off-duty model, glamorous lounging, or heroine chic. They only exploit women’s insecurities. Now empowerment chic is in. Given how “femvertising” has taken off, we’re surprised that no one has thought of a fashion line in accordance. Geez, do we have to do everything around here?!
We present you with 10 trends and ways to wear them. We have also taken the liberty of selecting our ideal celebs likely to adopt each look. You can click the links or the pictures to see the look more clearly on a new page.
- Weekend Warrior (Man Repeller fashion blogger Leandra Medine)
- Go-Forth Granny (designer/model Iris Apfel)
- Suffragette Sleek (teen fashion blogger Justine Crawford
- Gonna Git You Sucka Casual (singer Tina Turner)
- Empowerment-is-the-New-Black (activist/author Gloria Steinem)
- Off-Duty Cop (comedian Whoopi Goldberg)
- Slut Walking Slick (comedian Amy Schumer)
- Sobriety Chic (not a waif? not on drugs? this might be the look for you!) (producer/actor Lena Dunham)
- Third-Wave Trendsetter (Instagram fashion guru Eva Chen)
- Underwear-as-Outwear-as-Fuckyouwear (singer Lady Gaga)
After all, what is fashion (or blogging) without a faith in the improbable?
- Check our breasts for suspicious lumps
- Wear seat belts in automobiles
- Avoid swimming in shark-infested waters
- Wear a heart monitor
- Get our teeth cleaned
- Have our cholesterol checked
- Take vitamins
- Get a pap smear
- Install anti-virus programs on our computer
- Lock our doors
- Install an alarm system
- Put safety lights on our bicycle
- Wear a fluorescent vest while jogging at night
- Drive with our headlights on
- Carry an umbrella
- Wear a winter coat
- Wash hands to avoid getting the flu
- When we see a raccoon in our garage awake in the middle of the day, with mouth foaming, do not pet it; instead call a neighbor who grew up in the country to come over and “take care of it”
- Tell our mother-in-law that we would love to spend the holiday at her cabin just to save ourself an argument
- Use birth control to prevent pregnancy