Not in a box, with a fox, not on a train, but on a blog with Jane…

Everyone is excited about the recently discovered orphaned Dr. Seuss story.  Dr. Seuss was an awesome, politically progressive storyteller.  For example, Horton Hears a Who and The Lorax deal with environmental protection; The Grinch Who Stole Christmas is a critique of consumerism; The Sneetches is about the rich using cosmetic surgery to distinguish themselves and the technologists who profit from their efforts; and The Butter Battle Book is about prejudice and discrimination.

Ranking in the top 10 best selling Dr. Seuss books of all time is Green Eggs and Ham; ostensibly about a picky eater, it can also be read as a commentary about male sexual entitlement, with green eggs and ham being a thinly veiled reference to unwanted sexual intercourse.  Sam-I-Am just pushes and pushes (“do you like them in a car? do you like them in a boat? with a goat?” etc.) until the other person finally gives in and, in a reversal of fortune typical of a porno, that person enthusiastically declares green eggs and ham likable after all.

That’s why we believe the Dr. Seuss story to be released today is the second part of Green Eggs and Ham and will be about women’s empowerment, as follows:

I am Sam. Sam-I-Am.

That Sam-I-Am, that Sam-I-Am. I do not like that Sam-I-Am!

Do you like green eggs and ham?

I do not like them,

Sam-I-Am.

Now, go away! You heard me – scram!

Would you eat them with an elf? The one who sits up on that shelf?

Not even with a little green elf.

Do you need me to repeat myself?

Maybe if you have a drink?

Then you’ll change your mind, I think. 

If you get drunk as a skunk

You’ll eat green eggs and ham, I thunk.

Not with some drinks

Your hearing just stinks

Not with an elf

I decide – myself!

I do not like green eggs and ham.

AND I do not like YOU, Sam-I-Am

 

I do not like them, drunk or not.

So I will not eat them; not a shot.

What if I dim the lights and get you solo?

Then you’ll eat them – this I know.

Not with the lights dim.

Not with the lights bright.

Not in the day.

Not in the night.

Not in a plate or on a cone.

Now I want you to LEAVE ME ALONE!

How about in a bed—or on a train?

You’ll eat them then, without complaint.

Not in a bed or on a train.

I tell you, Sam, this is in vain!

But all the same,

How about in a tree?

In a tree you’ll like them; you will see.

Not at all, now let me be!

What if I now turn on the charm?

You’ll like them – and me – what is the harm?

Just one jump into the sack?

You say no now, but you’ll take it back…

Take it back? No, I’ll take your arm….

And bend it back to cause YOU harm.

I’ll get in your face and let you see

You really must take me seriously.

 

I’ll kick your legs

And you’ll stop asking about eggs

And as I deliver a

You stop talking about ham.

 

So listen closely, Sam-I-Am

Before you’re truly in a jam.

I will not eat them with an elf

Not with you, not by myself

I will not eat them drunk or sober

So back off now; this talk is over

 

I will not eat them day or night

And when you don’t stop, I’m gonna fight.

 

Not in a train, not on a bus

Not in a bed, not if you cuss.

 

I will not eat them here or there

I will not eat them ANYWHERE

 

I, not you, choose what I eat

What I wear, with whom I sleep.

 

And I do not want your green eggs and ham.

I’m done with you, now, Sam-I-Am.